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Bad Mama....

I know this theme day was supposed to be more tongue-in-cheek, but I needed a place to vent and confess.


Well it looks like I'll be giving in.

A few years back I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. Depression an alcoholism runs in my familiy on both sides. (I don't drink anymore, quit when my dad quit about 5 years ago.) I've always kind of worn it as a badge that I've never been on medication, it's always been very controllable. It gets bad, but then it gets better. Kind of like making a dentist appointment for a toothache and then cancelling because by the time the appoinement comes your tooth feels better. Does that make sense?

Well, I've decided after a week of being "in a funk" it's time to do something about it. At my 6 week checkup, my doctor's office gives a PPD quiz (standard procedure for any new mom) and my answers were such that we talked then about medication. I told her I'd rather hold off until I'd gone back to work, that maybe returning to a semi-normal schedule would help. And it did at first.

The other problem I've had is that it's hard for me to imagine how pills would help. Since I rationalize myself into my moods. If I'm mad about things, the pills won't make those things go away, so how could they help, right? I finally realized last night that it's just that my perceptions of the situations are wrong, not the situations themselves. Sure, some things suck, but the perception that it's because the world is out to get me is the real problem, not the actual situation.

Here's where we get back on-topic: My funk has a lot to do with the baby. Sure, I get to go out and do things, but everything is now planned far in advance. There's no spontenaity once you've got a kid, or at least there hasn't been much of it for me. And I don't want to end up resenting Lily because I'm feeling this loss of freedom. It's not like I didn't know this would be part of the deal when we decided to have a baby.

Also I'm having problems with being angry at my husband. And I shouldn't be angry at him. He does so much for me. In the last week he's even decided to start making dinners for us when he gets home, which is so wonderful. He keeps the yard looking nice, straightens the house before I get home, takes care of the cats and the fish and adores our little girl. He changes diapers and feeds her when he needs to, since he's home with her for nearly an hour before I get home too.

But I feel like he's still got more freedom than me. And he's always needed quiet time after work, so that's not new. But I find myself getting frustrated with him, and I shouldn't. He's just more straightforward. He'll say "I'm going to the gym and then out to get groceries," whereas I'll be more likely to say "Would it be okay if I....." whatever.

Back to the baby part, and please don't judge me, since this is hard for me to admit, and I've already said I'll be getting help. I find myself getting impatient with the baby. And when I get impatient, I find myself doing things I know I shouldn't. I don't shake the baby obviously, or hit or yell at her. But for instance, if she fusses and I'm already angry, I may pick her up a little faster or slightly rougher than I should. This is awful. I know that I'm not doing it even close to rough enough to hurt her, but even just this tiny change is a warning bell for me. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who don't think their actions would ever hurt their children, and then something happens and they do.

I don't want it to get to that.

I'm actually a bad parent. What happened? I thought I was going to be good at this, and I'm totally not.

ETA: I'm not sure I even need to say this, but I love my daughter dearly and wouldn't trade her for anything. She's easy and mild, not a crier, never been colicky, her smiles could melt glaciers, and I've been blessed beyond comprehension to have such a beautiful little girl. I know it's not her, it's just me. She's an angel.

Comments

kitty_shebang
Aug. 31st, 2007 07:49 pm (UTC)
I also do the rough pickup when I'm over-tired and cranky and trying to do a billion other things and on a time contraint or whatever reason else when things aren't going the "right" way for me. And it is scary and then sometimes I get angry at myself for letting my emotions out in my actions.

I have found that when I'm really pissed/tired/cranky/etc., it helps to call Miles "baby." It helps remind me that indeed he is a baby and he can't help his crying. It's like a reminder. Baby. This is a baby.
Also, when I'm in this mood and he needs to be held, I hold him very close and be still for a moment before moving to feed/change him.

These are the things that people don't talk about so you always feel like the "bad" parent, when really you're a normal parent. It's scary. Who wants to admit that their actions if not kept under control could hurt a baby?

I'm with you.
littlebiskit
Aug. 31st, 2007 07:57 pm (UTC)
That's also one of the few reasons I love the internet. Most of the time the internet is bad for me as a mommy. (Way too much panic and guilt. Because everything is bad for your baby, and you could be doing everything better than you currently are, if you weren't such a lazy selfish slacker. LOL)

But when it comes time to confess things, to vent, to say things you really don't feel comfortable telling friends and family? That's where this thing is the best.

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