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Bad Mama....

I know this theme day was supposed to be more tongue-in-cheek, but I needed a place to vent and confess.

Well it looks like I'll be giving in.

A few years back I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. Depression an alcoholism runs in my familiy on both sides. (I don't drink anymore, quit when my dad quit about 5 years ago.) I've always kind of worn it as a badge that I've never been on medication, it's always been very controllable. It gets bad, but then it gets better. Kind of like making a dentist appointment for a toothache and then cancelling because by the time the appoinement comes your tooth feels better. Does that make sense?

Well, I've decided after a week of being "in a funk" it's time to do something about it. At my 6 week checkup, my doctor's office gives a PPD quiz (standard procedure for any new mom) and my answers were such that we talked then about medication. I told her I'd rather hold off until I'd gone back to work, that maybe returning to a semi-normal schedule would help. And it did at first.

The other problem I've had is that it's hard for me to imagine how pills would help. Since I rationalize myself into my moods. If I'm mad about things, the pills won't make those things go away, so how could they help, right? I finally realized last night that it's just that my perceptions of the situations are wrong, not the situations themselves. Sure, some things suck, but the perception that it's because the world is out to get me is the real problem, not the actual situation.

Here's where we get back on-topic: My funk has a lot to do with the baby. Sure, I get to go out and do things, but everything is now planned far in advance. There's no spontenaity once you've got a kid, or at least there hasn't been much of it for me. And I don't want to end up resenting Lily because I'm feeling this loss of freedom. It's not like I didn't know this would be part of the deal when we decided to have a baby.

Also I'm having problems with being angry at my husband. And I shouldn't be angry at him. He does so much for me. In the last week he's even decided to start making dinners for us when he gets home, which is so wonderful. He keeps the yard looking nice, straightens the house before I get home, takes care of the cats and the fish and adores our little girl. He changes diapers and feeds her when he needs to, since he's home with her for nearly an hour before I get home too.

But I feel like he's still got more freedom than me. And he's always needed quiet time after work, so that's not new. But I find myself getting frustrated with him, and I shouldn't. He's just more straightforward. He'll say "I'm going to the gym and then out to get groceries," whereas I'll be more likely to say "Would it be okay if I....." whatever.

Back to the baby part, and please don't judge me, since this is hard for me to admit, and I've already said I'll be getting help. I find myself getting impatient with the baby. And when I get impatient, I find myself doing things I know I shouldn't. I don't shake the baby obviously, or hit or yell at her. But for instance, if she fusses and I'm already angry, I may pick her up a little faster or slightly rougher than I should. This is awful. I know that I'm not doing it even close to rough enough to hurt her, but even just this tiny change is a warning bell for me. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who don't think their actions would ever hurt their children, and then something happens and they do.

I don't want it to get to that.

I'm actually a bad parent. What happened? I thought I was going to be good at this, and I'm totally not.

ETA: I'm not sure I even need to say this, but I love my daughter dearly and wouldn't trade her for anything. She's easy and mild, not a crier, never been colicky, her smiles could melt glaciers, and I've been blessed beyond comprehension to have such a beautiful little girl. I know it's not her, it's just me. She's an angel.


Aug. 31st, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC)
I think most of what you said is very valid and I would think most mothers go through that from time to time.

The number one thing that helped me get through the trying times was always reminding myself how fast time goes. Before you know it your baby will not need you right away. Do you have friends with older children? Look how fast that time when by. This will happen to you..and as much as I hate the saying "this too shall pass" it is so true. Remind yourself, that yes, the baby is driving you bonkers right now, but these times are just a drop in the bucket and will be gone before you know it. It's almost as if to say, embrace the crazy moments. and when you can't just walk away and take a time out.

As far as medicine and being one that has taken it, still takes it. What is wrong with a little help. If a pill will help you from losing it..and having more patience and lets life become a little more bearable? Why fight it? I really don't think it makes you weak or less of a person. Helping yourself and taking care of yourself, lets you take care of your child better.

(At least I am told this by my father all the time, "You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others" and no matter how hard I fight it at times, I think its true.

And my girls are 2. Terrible twos, so my mantra of "this too shall pass" is like a revolving door in my head right now.

Aug. 31st, 2007 03:52 pm (UTC)
I think part of the problem is that I don't have ANY friends with kids. I've pretty much got two friends outside of work. One is a single guy friend, and we used to go out at least once every couple weeks for dinner, but now he's working overtime and I've got the baby, so it's tough to find time.

The other friend has three jobs (also single and no kids) so I haven't seen her in ages either.

I've got a couple cousins I'm close to, but they live across the cities from me, and again, no kids.

It makes for awful lonely evenings while hubby is unwinding from work in front of the computer or XBox.
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 31st, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
LOL. My most dreaded words are "I'm going downstairs to read for a bit." Oy.

Has your husband started using the computer/game system with the baby in his lap yet? My husband is a pro at snuggling the baby facing the TV while he plays XBox360. Apparently that's a pretty common daddy thing, I've seen a lot of pictures of guys doing that.

Oh yay, my daughter will be addicted to the XBox by age 16 months. LOL
Aug. 31st, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
Doug plays Medal of Honor, a first-person shooter, with Miles on his lap. :)
Aug. 31st, 2007 07:56 pm (UTC)
Heh. My husband is currently playing Two Worlds while waiting for the next Grand Theft Auto (yeah, that's going to be appropriate for her to watch!) or Oblivion sequel.
Sep. 1st, 2007 03:17 am (UTC)
AH! Me too "I am just gonna go read for a bit." Bite me!
Aug. 31st, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I can totally see how that is tough. My husband drives me nuts because he is a golf freak and will golf as much as he can. Even though he too is a great father it does get so frustrating.

Next time you need a break, just drop the baby in his lap at the computer and say, well..I will be in the bedroom for a couple of hours or...I'm outta hear..be back soon. Heh. Someties, we just have to beat them too it!


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