?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Bad Mama....

I know this theme day was supposed to be more tongue-in-cheek, but I needed a place to vent and confess.


Well it looks like I'll be giving in.

A few years back I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. Depression an alcoholism runs in my familiy on both sides. (I don't drink anymore, quit when my dad quit about 5 years ago.) I've always kind of worn it as a badge that I've never been on medication, it's always been very controllable. It gets bad, but then it gets better. Kind of like making a dentist appointment for a toothache and then cancelling because by the time the appoinement comes your tooth feels better. Does that make sense?

Well, I've decided after a week of being "in a funk" it's time to do something about it. At my 6 week checkup, my doctor's office gives a PPD quiz (standard procedure for any new mom) and my answers were such that we talked then about medication. I told her I'd rather hold off until I'd gone back to work, that maybe returning to a semi-normal schedule would help. And it did at first.

The other problem I've had is that it's hard for me to imagine how pills would help. Since I rationalize myself into my moods. If I'm mad about things, the pills won't make those things go away, so how could they help, right? I finally realized last night that it's just that my perceptions of the situations are wrong, not the situations themselves. Sure, some things suck, but the perception that it's because the world is out to get me is the real problem, not the actual situation.

Here's where we get back on-topic: My funk has a lot to do with the baby. Sure, I get to go out and do things, but everything is now planned far in advance. There's no spontenaity once you've got a kid, or at least there hasn't been much of it for me. And I don't want to end up resenting Lily because I'm feeling this loss of freedom. It's not like I didn't know this would be part of the deal when we decided to have a baby.

Also I'm having problems with being angry at my husband. And I shouldn't be angry at him. He does so much for me. In the last week he's even decided to start making dinners for us when he gets home, which is so wonderful. He keeps the yard looking nice, straightens the house before I get home, takes care of the cats and the fish and adores our little girl. He changes diapers and feeds her when he needs to, since he's home with her for nearly an hour before I get home too.

But I feel like he's still got more freedom than me. And he's always needed quiet time after work, so that's not new. But I find myself getting frustrated with him, and I shouldn't. He's just more straightforward. He'll say "I'm going to the gym and then out to get groceries," whereas I'll be more likely to say "Would it be okay if I....." whatever.

Back to the baby part, and please don't judge me, since this is hard for me to admit, and I've already said I'll be getting help. I find myself getting impatient with the baby. And when I get impatient, I find myself doing things I know I shouldn't. I don't shake the baby obviously, or hit or yell at her. But for instance, if she fusses and I'm already angry, I may pick her up a little faster or slightly rougher than I should. This is awful. I know that I'm not doing it even close to rough enough to hurt her, but even just this tiny change is a warning bell for me. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who don't think their actions would ever hurt their children, and then something happens and they do.

I don't want it to get to that.

I'm actually a bad parent. What happened? I thought I was going to be good at this, and I'm totally not.

ETA: I'm not sure I even need to say this, but I love my daughter dearly and wouldn't trade her for anything. She's easy and mild, not a crier, never been colicky, her smiles could melt glaciers, and I've been blessed beyond comprehension to have such a beautiful little girl. I know it's not her, it's just me. She's an angel.

Comments

randmberta
Aug. 31st, 2007 02:41 pm (UTC)
I could have written this entry myself. I love my daughter, so much, but I find myself getting so angry sometimes. There have been times when I've actually had to put her down (in a safe place) and walk out of the room to gather myself.

I have wanted to be a mother my whole life, and now I am, and all I can think is that I suck at it.

One thing I can say is that I am taking medication for a panic disorder...and the medication does help. I HATE the idea of being medicated, and went without for 2 years before I got pregnant...but the hormone change made it unbearable...and I had to give in.

I'm still trying to find the right balance...but I feel much more in control when I take my medicine...

When I read your entry, I don't think of you as a bad parent...I just see you as human, but seeing as how I feel the same on a lot of things, I also know that no matter how many times you hear that you're not a bad mother, you'll still feel like one.

I have found that really setting some time aside for my husband and I to spend together has helped. I think that some of my frustration also comes from not having any time with my husband...so when we have time alone together, it centers me a little...
littlebiskit
Aug. 31st, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I got a little teary reading your response (not good when I'm at work *grin*) but it's always nice to hear I'm not crazy and I'm not alone.

Thank you so much.

Profile

reallifeparents
Real Life Parents

Latest Month

September 2007
S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      

Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Akiko Kurono